Sunday, October 24, 2010

Blah!

Today has been a busy Sunday. Elizabeth and I went to church, then I came home and took a nap. We had the church Halloween party this afternoon; I think it was a success. There were a ton of kids, and we ran out of candy, so that's all good.

I'm having a hard time being around large groups of people (that's why I left the party without telling anyone). I've never loved it, but since we lost Cindy, I just cannot deal with it. I just want to come home and crawl in my bed. I love to snuggle down under the blankets (we have the flannel sheets on now) with my books and/or laptop. I can handle one-on-one conversations, especially when there isn't a lot else going on around me. I guess it's all part of the grieving process. I cannot believe it's been two weeks since I talked to Cindy. I can't believe that I will never speak to her again. I haven't cried in a week or so, but I do have really sad moods. I've been angry and depressed too. I am pushing myself to go on with life, though. I know Cindy would have wanted it that way. It's hard to find the balance between allowing yourself to grieve and living your life. I find myself feeling guilty if I'm happy or laughing. Friday I went out with Laurie, and we had a lot of fun. She is a lot like Cindy. She's fun, warm, and caring. We are going to try and go out a few times a month. Losing Cindy has made me realize how much more I need to cherish my other friendships. How I need to make time for them.

I wish I would have been able to have one last conversation with Cindy. I did, but at the time, I didn't know it. I think it was just a casual conversation. She was getting ready for Lauren's birthday party, and I was with Elizabeth while she had her Senior pics taken. I am thankful that I called up to the hospital and told Justine to tell her that I loved her. That was the last thing I said to her. I guess I should just be grateful for that. I am.

I'm glad I've always told my kids and other family members that I love them. I can't imagine being in a family where people don't express love. I am blessed that way.

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