Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Today's a new day

It's Wednesday! Wednesday is my last day of work for the week, not technically I guess, but it is the last day that I go into the office. I work from home off and on throughout the week. I really need to get a better schedule hammered out for my work-from-home work. I love my job, but I want to feel as though I have a few days off to do what I want and need to do.

So, If you read my last blog, and I doubt you did (whoever you are), since I just posted it on my FB bio Sunday, and I have told no one about it just yet. Sorry if I'm rambling, making errors in grammar and punctuation (get used to it); I do have a point. I mentioned that I hadn't cried in a long time. Well, that is not the case anymore. Last night, I let loose and cried for a very long time. I guess I needed it because I do feel better. It all started when I was adding Christian music songs to my Youtube account. Ever since Cindy died, I have really been into the whole Christian music scene. I guess some might say that this is a case of God using Cindy's death to bring me closer to him. I'm ok with that. Some of the music is so awesome, inspiring, and full of hope. But, it can also be very emotional. I found this song by Michael W. Smith about Friends and that's all it took. The tears just started. I posted it on her wall. I still do that, by the way. Post stuff on her wall like she is reading her Facebook from heaven. I guess it makes me feel closer to her.

Grief reminds me so much of what I went through the summer before last. Emotionally it was a bad time for me. So many things were just not right in my life, in my mind. It took some serious soul searching, counseling and an antidepressant to turn my life around. Through it, all though I knew, deep down, that I had a good life, I was loved by many. The pain was intense. The ups and downs of my emotions had me on a roller coaster. The tears were never ending. Yes, it was similar to what I'm experiencing now. Only this time I truly do have a permanent loss. I will never speak to Cindy again. Oh, I'll talk to her, but she cannot carry on a conversation with me. I will never see her again. Sure I have pictures, but honestly, right now, it almost hurts too much to look at them. I know that will pass, though. I am so grateful that I went to Race For the Cure and that we finally got a picture of the two of us together. So, while I will rise from this pit called grief, I don't know if I will ever be healed of the pain as I was with the depression.

It's time to end this post now. I need: a nap, chocolate, to do housework, watch TV, talk to a friend and take the dog for a walk.

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