Monday, February 14, 2011

The Blues part 2

I am still battling the blues. It's not a full-blown depression (probably because of the Lexapro), but I'm on the brink. If you've never been depressed it's very hard to understand. It's not just the blues. It feels as though you are trying to walk through quicksand. You can't get anywhere, and you are slowly sinking. Everything is an effort. I am able to force myself to do what I need to do. And, I am still finding joy in life. I still think it's probably a combination of the weather and my hormones. Plus, the MG.

I'm currently reading a memoir by a man who went through a clinical depression. What is so unique about this book is that it was written while he was in the pit of his depression (hospitalized in a psych ward). He has gone back and commented on different things that he wrote now that he has moved past the depression. It is very interesting and insightful.

One thing that is so difficult about depression is that the one of the things that will help heal you is probably the most difficult to do. It's forcing yourself to do things. I've always been a list maker and a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of gal; those very things are what helped me heal from my earlier depression and continue to help me get through my days. For example, today, even though I was sick (more on that later), I made my to-do list and went about getting things done. I worked from home, ran out with Tim to get Elizabeth's birthday gift, made phone calls, renewed my library book on-line, etc. I should be proud of myself. And, I am. But, I also am thinking about the things I didn't get done. The biggest thing is cleaning our bathrooms. They are really disgusting!! They are always at the bottom of my to-do list. I always get them done, but when I have the blues, it takes a bit longer because I keep moving them to the bottom of my list. Perhaps I should just move them to the top of my list? Maybe then they would get done. Then I could feel proud that I finally got them done. It's a thought.

So, this morning I woke up feeling very weak and in pain. It's been a long time since I've felt a lot of pain. I'm still on the verge of coming down with a cold. I really think my body is fighting tooth and nail not to get it. Maybe that's what's causing the pain? My nose is just so very slightly stuffed up, but that's about the extent of my cold symptoms. Tim was hit hard with it; I'm hoping I do not get it that bad. I did feel better as the day went on, but because I felt so poorly this morning, I didn't go into the office. Tim and I were going to go out for a nice lunch, but instead, we went to Burger King (in case I started feeling bad, and we needed to make a quick exit). We ended up watching some of our favorite TV shows together this evening. It wasn't the best Valentine's Day, but it certainly wasn't the worst. Oh, he gave me a cute little pink stuffed lion. When you squeeze its paw, it purrs and shakes. When you squeeze it again, it does this creepy little laugh along with the purring and shaking. He said he didn't know that it did the creepy laugh (hmmm...I'm not convinced). Lol! I love it anyway!

I guess I should call it a day and get some sleep. I did get a nice two hour nap in today~I'm hoping that doesn't make getting to sleep too difficult. So, tomorrow I'm going to put the bathroom cleaning at the top of my list. Ugh! Just typing it out is making me dread it!

Sweet dreams everyone.

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