I love my husband. I really do. But, honestly, sometimes I think he just doesn't get it. Maybe it's that he doesn't want to see what is happening in our lives. What is happening to me? I'm partly to blame. I know I am. I have continued to do nearly everything I used to do. And, as long as he sees me doing these things, in his mind, I will be the same person I was before I got sick.
OK, so I know you're wondering (or, maybe your not) where all of this is coming from. Well, I'll try and explain. This morning I went to work. At first, the plan was for him to take me because I was planning on taking a pain pill and I didn't want to drive. But, I knew he wouldn't be getting home from work until about midnight; then, he'd have a late night driving to IU to cover a ball game. As I'm typing this, he is still not home. So, I decided to drive myself to work so he could sleep late (no, I didn't take a pain pill). I knew I only had about an hours worth of work; then I'd be able to go home.
So, I get home, and he's up eating breakfast. After I rest for a bit, we make a quick run to the grocery store. By the time we get back home, I'm ready for bed. I get in bed, and he goes and sits in front of the TV. I'm lying in bed thinking about all that I need to do. I need to unload the dishwasher, and there are clothes in the washer and dryer, and "gee, it sure would be nice to get the taco meat we are having for dinner done early in the day." At this point, I should have spoken up, but I didn't. Instead, the anger builds and I think to myself...why can't he see all of the I need to interject something here. He is not a lazy person. Far from it. He works 12 to 14 hour days; usually six days a week, sometimes seven. He has a very stressful job. I get that. I really do. But, maybe it's just the difference between men and women (not seeing a messy house), or maybe it's just him. I don't know. I did finally say something to him, and he said he really didn't notice what needed to be done. I'm sure that's probably true. But, he knew I was feeling bad. Why couldn't he have asked if there was anything he could do? Don't get me wrong, he does help out around here, although not nearly as much as he could. He did end up doing the few things that I asked him to do; I'm grateful for that.
I've read enough self-help books to know that I can't change him; I can only change myself. I need to tell him what I need. I just don't want to be a nag. I also want him to have time to relax when he's home. But, honestly, all of the work would probably take him a half-hour tops each day. Part of the problem with me telling him what I need would be that I would be admitting that I'm sick. And, it would mean him acknowledging that I'm sick. That's what this all boils down to.
I suppose it's time that we have a family meeting. Probably, it's way past time. If we set up some schedule, everyone would know what they have to do, and I wouldn't feel like I was a nag. I think I'm going to spend some time writing up a list of chores. Then, maybe Tim and I could sit down with the kids and come up with a plan of action. I know that things have to change around here.
I'm still feeling sickly. And, I didn't hear anything from the doctor today. I guess I'll call tomorrow. Part of me doesn't want to know. I mean, I'm so afraid that they will tell me that everything came back normal. To most people that probably sounds strange. But for someone who has been sick for six years and made countless trips to doctor after doctor, with very few answers, it's a nightmare. Although, I have to say that I know I have some form of arthritis just based on my symptoms alone. The doctor said that himself. It's important to find out what kind it is though so I can start the appropriate treatment.
Today, my back has bothered me the most. I guess it's the SI joint inflammation. I've never had back pain quite like this before. Being in bed makes it worse and that isn't a good thing since being in bed makes my other symptoms better. I had to go out and buy a new heating pad today because ours quit working. I really wanted to get one of those extra long heating pads, but I didn't want to spend that much money. I ended up buying a moist heating pad that will shut off after two hours. It's a step up from my old one that didn't have the auto shut off. I'm happy with it! I'm sure we will get to know each other intimately. ;) My joint pain and swelling are still with me. They are also worse after I've been resting or first thing in the morning. I have to try and take the anti-inflammatory medicine. Tomorrow I'll do that, or maybe it will be the day after tomorrow. I know, I know...I should just take the damn medicine!!
I'm going to try and get some sleep. I just can't seem to get enough of it lately.
Have a great day everyone!
"Real strength is not just a condition of one's muscle, but a tenderness in one's spirit."