I have so many things to be thankful for; my kids are healthy and happy and doing well in school, the weather is beautiful, I have a beautiful home, etc..... So, why am I in such a funk? I've always been the kind of person who wants to know why. I guess I think if I can figure out why then I can find a way to fix it. Or, better yet, figure out a way to keep it from happening again. One of the ways I've always done this analytical thinking is through journaling. Well, this blog is, in some respects, my journal. Of course, I don't share every thought or feeling, but in regards to dealing with chronic illness, I probably share more of myself here than I do in my day-to-day interactions with others. So, you've been warned. This entry will be a mix of all sorts of thoughts and feeling that are oozing from my brain today.
I miss Cindy! This time of year, we would always go out to Lowe's or The Home Depot, looking at all of the spring flowers and yard decorations. Of course, we'd make sure to make a pit stop at Sonic for a burger and slushie. She would run me ragged, but I loved it! We would talk about everything. Her kids, her husband, my kids, my husband. Summer plans. Our aches and pains. Sure we'd vent, but we would laugh a lot too. We had the same quirky sense of humor. Many times we'd laugh so hard our stomachs would ache. We both found happiness in the smallest things. When I saw Marathon was going to build a station less than a 1/2 mile from my home, I immediately thought of Cindy. I would have been on the phone with her talking about the new convenience store sure to accompany the gas station. No longer would we have to trek the three or four miles to Moto Mart. We could get our Diet Coke fix nearly next door (she lived a half a mile on the other side)! That would have been news to share!! She was a very special friend. She is irreplaceable. I know there will never be another Cindy, but I long to find another special friend. I think every time there is a change of seasons, another holiday, or first of some kind; I will have new feelings of grief coming up to the surface. I suppose that's normal. But, it's so damn hard!
I just got back from visiting my Mom and Aunt at the nursing home. I have so much guilt that I don't visit her as often as I should. Yes, I do have somewhat of an excuse...having an illness can be unpredictable. But, to some extent, I think that guilt serves a purpose; it's a great motivator. I can make more of an effort. The bottom line is Mom should be near the top of my list, not the bottom. She's 96 and my Aunt; her sister will be 98 on April 2. Obviously, their time here on earth is nearing an end. Cindy's death has shown me that we never really know how long we have with someone; that we need to make time for, and cherish our friends and family.
I'm not feeling very well. I had run a few errands before I visited my Mom and I'm paying for it. I'm not real bad, I mean, I've been worse. I'm trying to decide if I should take my MG medicine or not. I had it four hours ago, and I can't tell if it's working. Hmmmm..... I guess I'll just rest for a while, then see how I feel.
So, I'm feeling a bit better. I turned on some relaxing music, took some relaxing (code word for Xanax) medicine, and took a power nap. I also took my MG meds. I hate that a simple outing can beat me up. It stinks. I know there are others who have it much worse, I really do. I shouldn't complain; it's just frustrating. I'm in bed looking all around my bedroom at all of the work that needs to be done. I miss those days when I could do it all. I am way beyond those days. I'm also past the days when I could push myself to do it all, then pay for it later. The payback isn't worth the work anymore. Most of the time, I just clean in short blocks of time. Rest, clean, rest, clean. While this is easier on me physically, it's harder on me mentally. It's just a constant reminder of how hard it is for me to get things done, and it seems to never ends.
Random thoughts on religion: Man, I really want to have faith. I really do. But, the analytical side of me wants to understand. I want to know how? Why or why not? I guess the whole point of it is you shouldn't have to have all of the answers; you just have to have faith. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. Go to church. Go to a small group. Pray. What if I'm doing all of this and I don't really believe it? Is that so wrong? I tell myself, I must believe it if I'm doing all of this. I also sometimes think, what if I'm doing all of this and there is nothing. No God. No heaven. What then? For me, I have a hard time understanding how humans evolved from some microbe. If someone can believe that, then why is it such a far stretch to believe in God? I find the stories of medical professionals, scientist, mathematicians who believe in God fascinating! If they can, in their scientific minds, have faith why shouldn't I be able to do the same? One thing I do believe (I think) is that there is not one true religion...I don't think God cares if we kneel when we pray, if we use snakes in our worship (it's not for me, though), or if we have two sacraments or seven. OK, enough about that. See, I told you it would be random rambling, didn't I?
Things I love: The smell of burning leaves (I know it's not good for the environment and our lungs, but I still love it!), scraggly (is that a word?) beards...you know the Dr. House look?, rain...including thunderstorms, snow, houses that smell good...I love the smell of coffee, but I hate the way it tastes. Candles, fires in the fireplace, snuggling on the loveseat with blankets, pillows, and Tim, all make me happy. I enjoy the holidays, hanging out on the patio while Tim grills, Diet Coke, chocolate, sunflower seeds, reading (I know you've heard it before, but I LOVE MY KINDLE!). I love writing, laughing, making others happy, making lists, crossing things off of my lists. I'm enjoy having a clean house, talking, music, good TV shows & movies. Entertaining (just have trouble with all of the work involved these days), baking, and most importantly, being with my family and friends, that is Priceless!!
I guess you've had enough, aimless rambling for the day, so I'll close here. I just sent Elizabeth and her friend out to get Sonic for dinner! Yum! Here's to you, Cindy!
Peace and love, Shari
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step"~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.