Wednesday, April 6, 2011

De's not just a river

I am still feeling horrible! I'm weak, I hurt, and I just feel out of sorts. I know I need to have a day where I just stay in bed, but there's so much to do! I wish I could afford a maid. I used to have one, but it's just not in the budget now. When I think about everything I used to do, everything I was able to do, it just blows my mind.

So, speaking of denial. If I have a good spell, I start to wonder if I'm really sick. The medical establishment itself is partly to blame for this way of thinking. When they can't diagnose you after a few tests, and your symptoms don't seem to fit well into the diagnosis box; they start to doubt you. Then, you start to doubt yourself. When I finally found my neuro she told me, after following me for a while, that there was definitely something wrong with me, that I was much too sick for there to be any doubt. I also think that if you have an illness that tends to come and go it is much easier to deny that you are sick. You'd think that after all I'd been through I'd have found this validation to be a relief. I guess I did. But, I also found it terrifying. My emotions were very mixed. If someone with her knowledge said I was very sick, then it must be true.Complicating things was the fact that she, could not, at that time, tell me what was wrong. It was the unknown that scared me. It was the lack of a diagnosis that put me in the denial mode. To this day, I alternate between believing I am very sick or not really sick at all. I think denial is also a form of self-protection. Our minds can only process so much information at a time; by escaping the truth, even for a short bit of time, our mind is given the chance to deal with our new reality in short bursts. So, maybe it isn't such a bad thing after all.

Today was a beautiful day! The weather was sunny, breezy and about 80 degrees. I made sure I found the time to soak up some vitamin D. I did a lot of housework and also had the AC guy and plumber here (there went my paycheck!) I went out to run some errands, but I had to cut my running short because I started feeling so bad. I was so weak and in so much pain. I had to talk to myself all the way home...trying to keep focused on driving. I was so afraid I'd just collapse. I know I over did things today. But, I think it's ok if I have days like this every so often.

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I can stay in bed. I really need it! Oh, this post was written over several days, so if it seems a bit confusing that's why (or it could just be me).

Have a great weekend!

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame"~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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