Saturday, June 25, 2011

Dear Diary....

Dear Diary, Sorry I haven't written in so long. As it always seems, life has been crazy. I am warning you; this is going to be an entry that will contain plenty of venting. But, that's what you are here for, right? I guess I first want to talk about my mental health. We've talked about this before, haven't we? I feel as if I'm losing it. I am lonely. Of course, you know all about losing Cindy. Boy, that was/is so hard to handle. But, it was made easier by having my second closest friend to lean on. For some reason, though, she has pulled away from me.It's been a month since we've talked. Although, we have exchanged brief text and Facebook messages. I know she is going through something pretty big, but she will not tell me what it is. Of course, she has that right. She says she needs time. I understand, but "what about me?" Is there still a friendship when one person in basically leaves the relationship? I've learned something very valuable, though. What is that you say? It's that you cannot lean on one person too much. You have to cultivate other friendships. Still, this woman and I have been friends for 17 years! It's hard to let that go. I admit that I am hurt. Now, I cannot help how I feel, but I can choose to act on those feelings. Right now, the three-year-old in me wants to yell and stomp my feet. The adult in me says, "Wait to hear her story." The three-year-old in me says, " No! I needed you, and you weren't there for me! Forget you!" I lost my dog, and my mother is nearing the end of her life. On top of these things, my husband seems to be going through a bit of a hard time himself, and I can't figure out how to help him. These are the kinds of things that we women help our friends go through, even if we don't say anything, just being there helps. Not to be overly dramatic (well, maybe a little), but, I truly feel abandoned.

So, diary, while typing this entry I got a call from an old, dear friend. She is someone I do need to make more of an effort to see. She is going through quite a bit these days too. It seems like so many of my friends are. Oh, well. I know I am blessed,  I need to keep remembering that. But, just hearing from this old friend made my day! My mood is so much better. I need to work on being in touch with other people every day. It's so easy to get wrapped up in our problems, especially when dealing with a chronic illness. So many people do not get it, which makes the dealing with it all the more difficult.

Physically, I am doing pretty well. It took me six weeks, but I'm back to my baseline level of functioning. The pain has lessened as have my other symptoms. I am so grateful for this. Because of this, I have to be careful not to over-do things. That would be so easy to do since I was so bad for so long. I have so much that I need to get done.

So, I typed all of this up last night. Now, it's nearly 1:30 pm and I am feeling horrible. My legs are weak, they burn and hurt so bad. My arms are the same way, but as always, not nearly as bad. I did not sleep well last night, so I know that has to be a contributing factor. I just hope this isn't the beginning of a downward spiral. I need to think positive!

Elizabeth is having ten of her closest friends over tonight to hang out watch movies and eat snacks. The house is in pretty good shape, but I still need to make the oyster cracker snacks, and, oh, the kitchen floor needs to be mopped. But, right now, I'm going to take a nap.

Have a blessed day everyone.


  1. Shari, perhaps your friend feels you have so much going on right now she doesn't want to overburden you. I'm sure when she is ready to share she will. As far as chronic illness goes, some people think if you look good you can't be sick. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and deal with it the best we can!

    Glad to read that you're feeling better. Sometimes it takes longer to bounce back than others. Stay positive, I know it's easier said than done, but it does make a huge difference!

  2. Hope you are having a good week..can't wait to hear about that sweet little pumpkin coming home:) Hope everyone there is cheering up..
    Love and hugs too...from an old, but dear friend;)..(I hope):):)