Once again, it's been several weeks since I've updated my blog. Of course, we've had a lot going on here. Elizabeth is now living in the dorm on campus which is about 20 to 30 minutes from here. She seems to love the dorm life (I knew she would); classes just started yesterday, so, hopefully, she will be happy with them too. I miss her, of course, but it's nice that she's not too far from home. It helps that we've been through this a few times too. Having Pumpkin, as frustrating as she may be, is probably helping me at this point. I don't have much time at all to think about things. In fact, I don't have much time at all. Which brings me to the subject of this blog post....
I am dealing with so many emotions right now. And, I'm not handling them very well because I'm not sleeping as much as I was pre-Pumpkin. I've always been one who has to get plenty of sleep, if I don't I'm a basket case. I feel as if I'm not getting things done that need to be done. My ongoing to-do list (which is probably similar to many of yours) includes: work, taking care of Pumpkin, house work, "me time" (which includes, reading, watching my shows, computer time, and talking to friends...), family/husband time, grocery shopping and meal prep, bill paying and of course, RESTING!!! Which, as I said, I am not getting enough of. Frustrating me more than anything is the fact that I'm really having a hard time prioritizing these things. It's like "Where do I begin?" I think people are starting to notice. In fact, the other day, I spilled my guts to the hospice social worker who is handling my mother's care. When I was done she asked if I'd ever considered therapy! Ouch! I wanted to crawl under a rock. Not that I think there is anything at all wrong with therapy. In fact, I've been in therapy off and on since I lost my father when I was 12. I guess it just wasn't what I was expecting her to say. She's probably right. It wouldn't hurt me to go back to my therapist. But, honestly, it would just be one more thing to add to my to-do list. So, I will have to try and get control of myself myself with maybe a little help from my friends.
And now a break from this blog posting: Things I am thankful for (just so you guys don't think all I do is complain...I really don't): My family, friends, dog, fall (I can feel it in the air, it is almost here!), books/Kindle, sunshine, rain, snow, flowers, chocolate, my home, kisses, being outdoors, being indoors, tv, God (although the two of us aren't too tight right now) music, babies...I could go on and on. It really is all about the little things in life. I do know that. In fact, I have always been a very optimistic, happy person. I'm sure that has helped me in my chronic illness journey.
We now return you to our regular blog posting. One of my dearest friends mentioned something about my "empty nest". While, I don't feel as if I have one quite yet (I still have one at home in college and one who is going to go to grad school after taking a year off), it is still quite close. I still have those feelings of "Where did time go?" and "Is this the end of life now?" Of course, I know this isn't the end of our lives (at least I hope not), but it is hard to envision this next phase of our lives. The kids all moved out and maybe living away, grandchildren, retirement, and let's face it, ongoing and more health problems for both of us. None of us knows what the future will bring, but I have to say that this is the first time in my life that I'm not filled with excitement about the future. Maybe I never thought this far ahead? When you're a kid you can't wait to grow up, in your twenties you can't wait to get married, then you can't wait for your first baby to come, then you can't wait for the second....Am I making sense here? When you are busy raising kids you don't have time to think about what it will be like when they are grown partly because you feel as if the day will never come. I think, as with so many things, adding a chronic illness (or two) to the mix, just makes this transition more difficult.
So, I will do what I always do. Suck it up and figure it out. Make a plan, modify the plan. I'll make a list as I've always done. A list of what needs to be done when and figure what can be put off or even crossed off the list. I'll find a "new normal" in this stage of my life. And, in time, I may grow to love it.
Love & peace, Shari
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France