Friday, February 10, 2012

What Is Wrong With Me????

Those of you who read my blog regularly know how lonely I get. If you are dealing with a chronic illness yourself, you've probably had some of the same feelings. I lost my best friend a little over a year ago and life just hasn't been the same since. 

So, today, I get a phone call from one of my closest friends telling me that she's coming to town (she moved away several years ago) today and would I and another one of our friends want to go out to dinner tonight. That should make me happy, right? It does, but on another level it is totally stressing me out. For one thing, I think I may have already exceeded my MDLA (maxium daily level of activity). I actually just made that up ;)...MDLA, but it does describe the situation fairly well. 

Here's what my day has been like so far: I went to work this morning for about an hour, then came home and practically turned right around and took off with Tim to go to the grocery store. Between travel time, and time at the store and work I was probably gone for 2 1/2 to 3 hours! Yesterday, I went to visit my mother and also went to the grocery, so I was already starting the day at a deficit. This is one of those things that I truly hate about having a chronic illness! I mean how do you explain to someone that you don't know if you can go out with them because you may not feel like it tonight? It sounds like an excuse; sort of like, "Sorry, I may have to shampoo my hair tonight." I should be excited and looking forward to it. Instead, I am filled with dread. 

Yesterday, I just prayed for God to send me a friend. Maybe he's trying to tell me something. This woman and I used to be very close. We met over twenty years ago when our kids were little and we've been friends ever since. She had four kids and we had three, so between all of their activities we didn't always get together as much as we would have liked, but we still stayed in touch over the years. Now, there is about a distance of three hours between us, so it makes keeping up a friendship even more difficult. Although, maybe we could try a bit harder. This other woman lives right here in town. She is such a sweet, sweet person. But, in the past, I felt as if I was always the one calling her. Always the one making the effort to keep in touch. Trying to keep a friendship going. I finally just gave up. To be fair, she had six kids and was running a home daycare, and later cleaned houses. So, yes, time was definitely an issue. All of this was before I got sick. And, when all of our kids were much younger. Her youngest is now nearly 18. She is someone I could totally become close friends with, but I cannot put a whole lot of effort into making it work. I mean, I can, but I can't be the only one. It has to work both ways. And, when you are the one with the chronic illness, you are usually the one who cannot do as much. Being sick can be very lonely and very isolating.

All of this leads me back to the question: What is wrong with me? Why can't I just chill out and see what happens tonight. Instead, I'm sitting here stressing out big time. I can almost guarantee that I'll come home tonight happy and thinking what was I thinking? What's wrong with me? 

Stay tuned.


"To be depressed is to be lonely; to have a friend is to be happy..." 
- Guido

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